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Archive for May, 2013

Remember, in Grosse Pointe Blank where Jeremy Piven’s character keeps going “Ten years, man!  Ten Years!”?  To refresh your memory here it is: Ten Years

That keeps going through my head “Six years, man!  Six years! Siiix yeeeaarrss!!!”

Watching Mad Men on Sunday night, at the end when Megan is confronting Don about their marriage falling apart, I start saying to myself “Brad is Don Draper, OMG, BRAD is DON DRAPER!!!”  Ok, so he’s probably not quite as fucked up as Don is, but there are elements of how they both had tough and screwed-up upbringings that I think affect their adult relationships.  And I think they both want to be happy but when things get tough the only thing they know how to do is run away.

I re-read the Great Gatsby on a plane and really saw it in a different light.  When I had read it before, I identified with the narrator – on the outside looking in.  This time I really felt for Gatsby and his unwavering hope to be with Daisy and the crazy lengths he goes to to be close to her, and since I knew it wasn’t going to end happily for him it just made me feel for him more.  Not that there is much similar in my situation, just that I was really understanding the lengths that you feel that you might go to for love.

And finally, this is the song that set me free – Next to Me.  I’ve loved this song since the first time I heard it last year, I have it on my phone and used to sing along every time it came on.  And then at some point this winter, I stopped liking it, and would skip it every time it came on.  About a week into the break-up it came up on my phone and it was like a switch flipped in my head.  I didn’t like the song anymore because deep down I knew that Brad wasn’t “Next to Me” anymore and hadn’t been for awhile.  And then it just all came to the surface, how miserable things had been, how unhappy I was, how this wasn’t the kind of life and relationship that I wanted.  I’m still really sad, but this was the turning point that let me realize all the things I talked about in my previous post.

Six years, man…six years….

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Moving on

I know that everyone is probably curious about what happened with Brad and I.  I guess the short answer is just that we grew apart, started wanting different things.  I definitely think that was more on Brad’s end – that he changed and I didn’t.  And I think that he would agree, he was the one that left.  It took me a few days to see and admit it to myself, but it turns out I was really unhappy, too.  The happy life that I had with Brad was pretty much gone and the person that I loved to spend time with was gone but I couldn’t admit it to myself.  I think we had been slowly drifting in different directions for awhile; the first really big cracks showed up last fall and by spring I was unhappy all the time.  I even brought it up one night and we talked about how we just didn’t do the things we used to and weren’t feeling the same about our relationship.  Brad talked about how it was just that it was such a cold, long winter, that when the weather was nicer and we could do all the fun outside things we loved and we would both feel better.  I do think he was hoping this was true, that whatever he was feeling would change.  But it didn’t and things never really got better.  For me the break-up isn’t what I wanted, but what I wanted was Brad to change back to the guy I loved before and that isn’t going to happen.  I really, honestly didn’t realize how unhappy I was until I was looking back after the break-up. But I know that if you had asked me the question “Are you happy?” it would have made me very uncomfortable.  So did songs about love and devotion or people talking about break-ups.  I do remember having the thought – if this never changes do I want to live like this forever?  The answer was “NO!” – and then I buried that thought deep down and ignored it.  I kept taking every good day, where things seemed more like they used to be as a sign that things were just about to turn around, but they never did for long.  I can see now that I am missing a man that doesn’t exist anymore, and that feels so weird because I still love that guy.  But I think that I since I can recognize that I was so unhappy and that the Brad I loved is not really there anymore, I’m ready to move on.

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If we are Facebook friends, you know all of this already, but I wanted to write about it on here anyway.

I’m not going to write about the cruise anymore.  Brad and I broke up.  It is both as simple as we weren’t happy anymore and much more complicated than that.  There really aren’t any bad feelings; mostly I’m just sad that after so long it didn’t work out.  So, I really don’t want to spend time talking about fun things we did together. 

But I do have some good news: I’ve accepted a new assignment at work on a project in Dallas, Texas that requires me to “commute” to Dallas for a year!  I will be flying out on Monday mornings and flying home on Thursday nights and working in the Michigan office on Fridays.  I wasn’t thrilled with this prospect at first, but it is a big, exciting job and a jump in responsibilities for me, so I said yes.  And now that I’m going thru a difficult break-up, I am looking forward to the distraction.  The insanity starts June 3rd, but I’m already flying down every week for meetings. (In fact I’m writing this in the St. Louis airport!) 

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